Crushes and being crushed
Monday, December 22, 2025 6:49 PM PST
Seattle, WA
I decided recently to ask out someone I liked, for the first time in my life. I thought there was a non-zero chance they felt similarly, my friends encouraged me to ask constantly, and honestly the curiosity got the best of me: I just wanted to know the answer.
And they said no!
Maybe they have a girlfriend already. My mom said they might have been gay, which I guess is also a possibility. But the most likely option is they just don’t like me back.
For the record, this person was very nice about it, nicer than I would have been, and I’ve moved on. In the rest of this post, whatever I write is not referring to them or any particular person in my life.
(I strongly doubt they’re reading this post, but they’d know it was about them, and I don’t think that’s fair.)
It’s so hurtful at the surface level to not be liked back, or at least it was to me at first. Not liking me must mean something is wrong with me, that I’m not pretty enough or smart enough or just enough for them. And, through further unhealthy extrapolation, I’m not enough for anyone.
But you can see how terrible that is for one’s sense of self. I realized that if 99% of people asked me out, I would say no, too. Sure, for some people they’re not my physical type. Maybe I actually don’t like who they are as people. But most of the time, I just don’t think of them in a romantic way!
Think of how many people you know in your life. The thousands of friends and classmates, teachers and mentors, colleagues, aunts, just acquaintances. And the tiny fraction of them you’d ever consider dating. Honestly, the chances of mutual attraction are statistically improbable under this light.
I can count all the crushes I’ve had on my fingers, and none of them I ended up being together with romantically. One of them I’m so grateful I never ended up dating, because I don’t really enjoy having them as a friend anymore. With another, on the other hand, I still think we would have been a good couple. But we have our own lives now and no longer speak, we go to college on opposite sides of the country. And while I still like him, I’m not interested. Realizing those are separate things has been helpful throughout my life.
Part of the reason anyone likes anyone romantically is because they think they’re nice, kind people with other positive attributes. I could easily see anyone I’ve liked as a friend, for exactly the same reasons I could see myself maybe dating them.
Plus, by these metrics of liking others, I could date anyone I enjoy spending a lot of time with. And I am definitely not dating any of my good friends or professors, thanks so much. And maybe we’d go on a date and decide that we don’t want to pursue it further anyway. There’s so many ways any situation can go wrong that getting bogged down by rejection on the first step is, while a totally valid feeling, not very helpful.
I’ll never meet anyone quite like any of the people I have liked before. With the same physical attributes, or smile, or laugh, or set of interests. And I used to think this, in a sad way, when I moved to college: that no one here could quite compare to everyone I have loved before this. And they don’t. But it would be weird if they did! I am sure I’ll meet someone again who does like me back, and maybe it will work out, or it won’t.
Either way, every little thing gonna be alright. :)