Build that wall!
Thursday, May 7, 2026 9:43 PM PST
Seattle, WA
For a long time, I’ve wanted to blog on Thursday and Saturday nights as my “routine”: something I do every single time, like how I brush my teeth every morning. Clearly, that hasn’t quite happened—but hey, it’s Thursday right now! I also hope that I get better at writing blogs with more practice.
I want to write about boundaries tonight: what and who to tell and gaining the self-respect and wisdom to make those distinguishments. (Is that a word? It is in my pantheon.)
Oh my god, it’s 20 minutes later and I meant “distinctions.”
Sometimes, you know while you’re going through it that an experience has truly changed who you are and who you will be. This is one of those times for me. Every day has its new revelation, and I have also found self-respect in the very depths of the world. I am truly confident and secure in myself in ways I never have been before! I have found joy in my own company, and that has been a marvelous experience.
Alongside this, I have really wanted to be alone this week. I know I take a lot on, in school and work and my social life, and it’s never felt really overwhelming before. Because I love my friends and I love what I do. I reach out to probably half a dozen people every week to set up a hangout, call, or just start a conversation. But I just don’t want to talk to most people right now, and one person particularly (who is I thought one of my closest friends, so this has put that in perspective) I just couldn’t bear to talk to. I knew to listen to this feeling! Normally I’d push through and schedule things like normal, plus feel like a bad person for even thinking this. I didn’t, though; I canceled when I didn’t want to do something without guilt. Well, minimal guilt. I’m spending time with people who can fill my cup right now instead, and honestly now I feel more open to talking to that person with some time away. Relationships take a lot of work but I think I put in so much effort that isn’t even reciprocated that right now I am allowed to focus on the more balanced ones.
The same goes with texting: I feel this internal pressure to always reply to every message, and as soon as I get it, even if I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a jerk and I still hate when people ghost me; I reply to all my friends. I don’t play games either, I’ll reply as soon as I see it 90% of the time. But, for example, I’m having issues with an acquaintance relying on me too much for emotional support and venting. We don’t know each other well enough, and I just can’t help them with their problems, so when they asked me a too personal question I was up front that I don’t want to answer. And they understood and also stopped using me as their sounding board, which has brought me more mental peace.
To that end, I can take time to think about a reply! I don’t have to be constantly accessible; if it is an emergency, they can call me. I have no issues with taking a couple hours now to reply to a message, when I am feeling energetic and coherent enough to give a thoughtful response, not out of necessity. This does mean that I’m conversing with some people less, but I always find in-person conversations more fulfilling than online ones. For instance, someone asked for a favor today and I saw their message right as they sent it because I was on my phone already, but I was in the lab and couldn’t give them the answer right then. Rather than drop everything and lose my groove, I finished building my interferometer (yay!) and then got back to my computer, looked up the info and texted them back. Additionally, I think the whole introvert/extrovert label is a little silly—I am both a huge introvert and huge extrovert, depending who you ask—but I have become very introverted this week. Sometimes this is concerning for a person’s wellbeing, but in my case, I just genuinely want to be alone and think my own thoughts. I have been reading, painting some, writing of course, and I feel a lot more connected with myself.
On the other hand, I am pretty bad about picking up my dad’s phone calls. He does have pretty bad timing, like he’ll manage to call right as I start something or whenever I’m outside with friends, and I’d usually let it go to voicemail and possibly send him a slightly annoyed text. (Yes I know, I’m a hormonal teenager. I can be an asshole sometimes too. I accept that.) But somewhere last week, I realized that one day I will long to just hear my dad’s voice one more time so I have to appreciate it while it’s still there. We butt heads a lot because we are both very dominant, opinionated people, but I let that become an excuse to stop talking to him as much. (And I realized just how much I let the rest of life take over when I’d barely talked to my parents all of last month, which makes me sad. I talk to my family every day, which I know is more than the average college student, but I don’t care… I love them.) So my life has definitely turned more private, and it’ll go back a little eventually because this feels temporary, but I’m liking it for now.
I told you a bunch of stories, and now let’s analyze them a little.
I want to be alone so much because I allow other people in my life to rely on me as a sounding board for their problems and it’s gotten to be too much. Two particular people in my life I love very much, but every time I talk to them about anything they start a conversation about what is happening in their life, until I haven’t actually expressed whatever I wanted to say. I know they don’t have malicious intent, and in such close relationships reliance is expected, but it should be a two-way street. Over time it drains me to talk to these people, and being in a rather emotional state right now, I just don’t have the bandwidth for them. So I have started setting some firm boundaries, closing the metaphorical (or even literal) door to indicate subtly that I can’t hear about this right now. None of it is a crisis or urgent, so taking space for myself is crucial to ensure that I have time to listen to my own problems too, which are equally important.
I also am so grateful to have wonderful family that I feel like I can share anything with. I enjoy being a very honest person with them, where I tell them everything in my life, even and especially the messy stuff. I find relief now in calling my parents where in April I was almost dreading it—bad sign! I am a very family-oriented person and that’s okay.
Also I think I didn’t really have boundaries until this year in earnest, because I am such a people pleaser. I think part of that is because I’m a Southerner and being polite is ingrained in you there; even these days, I “pick” my Trader Joe’s line hoping to maximize the chances of the cashier talking to me. Because small talk is not a thing in Seattle! I’m so used to talking to strangers, while being aware I come off as creepy in the PNW, that TJ’s is the one place I’ve found societal acceptance in just starting up a conversation. But yeah, I realized how much I try to get people to like me and be happy with me all the time. Even strangers like drivers when I’m a pedestrian?? Don’t get me wrong, delaying traffic even if I have the capacity to walk faster is different than accepting I have the right of way so I don’t have to run across the road. I always had pretty good self-confidence, but clearly it wasn’t that good if I think other people’s comfort and contentment is anything higher than on the same level as mine.
So I have had to learn boundaries in a couple ways. Firstly with who I want to spend time with. Now, I really don’t dislike that many people! I tend to have neutral or positive opinions of everyone, probably because I have fairly high standards of who I want to associate with. But there are six particular people in my life who I would love to never converse with again.
One of them is disliked by my entire friend group all for different reasons, but most recently because they were very rude to one friend about a very personal issue that conflicted with this person’s beliefs. Entire journal entries have been devoted to trying to understand this person and their actions, and my personal take is that they suddenly turned against me when I started dating because they dislike when women act alongside their gender expectations. (I think I’m a bit of a chameleon in that way, where most people don’t see me as “stereotypically feminine” because I’m fairly serious in my school/work life and sometimes dress simply in leggings and t-shirts, but I actually love partying and dressing up and being fancy.) They have been rude and outright mean to me for over a year; I rarely see them as it is but they still think we are friends because I have not outright cut them off in the way others have. But, for reasons beyond even my own comprehension, I offered to make them dinner of my own volition, which involves a lot of preparation to accommodate their dietary restrictions, vs. going out to eat. Or just not talking at all! Because I don’t like this person!
But somewhere this quarter I finally got enough self-respect to fully cut them off; I am still nice to them on the rare instance I see them in-person, because I don’t believe in being rude especially because they genuinely believe they did nothing wrong. (For instance, they have offered to apologize to the aforementioned friend assuming that’s the only reason we don’t talk to them anymore.) I empathize with them a lot. But I am not going to use that empathy to spend my precious time on this wonderful earth with someone who doesn’t make me feel good about myself. I canceled the dinner plans and haven’t offered to reschedule. This is one person whose text I ignored, I admit.
I don’t have to share every thought that comes in my head, especially because I feel unappreciated by many people to whom I’d tell these things. Being in constant communication is just wanting to keep peace that isn’t there. If these relationships fade, it is not just because of me! I am not responsible for how other people feel about me or how they handle their own interpersonal communication. So if I don’t feel my effort is noticed, let alone returned, I don’t have to continue giving it. It’s a conserved quantity. Moreover, clearly these people don’t make me happier, the idea of them does, so I am allowed to save parts of myself for those who appreciate it. Or even just for myself.
But I guess what am I afraid of losing, when nothing in the world belongs to me? Thanks Marcus Aurelius for bangers like these. Good night, I must go to sleep now! Going to MRO (observatory) tomorrow, so maybe expect a blog post tomorrow or Saturday if I have time and of course, in the theme of this blog, the bandwidth.